A wedding is one of the auspicious events but a single mistake can be a big eyesore. That’s because a Kashmiri wedding is incomplete without someone getting offended. Especially, when the elders of the family have magnifying glasses for nitpicks. Everyone is seeking special attention keeping aside their common sense leading to hatak and malal.

Be it close or distant relatives, everybody has an invisible microscope to pick out mistakes in our weddings. It is fierce competition! However, in an event in which there are a lot of guests and cascade of ceremonies to manage, these wedding hataks are inevitable.

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Let’s take a look at some of the weird things for which people feel offended in Kashmiri weddings.

1. Who came to give the card offend – Card kem on?

You might be busy having all the responsibilities of a big event but if you don’t personally give the card to your guests, they will get offended. If you can’t go yourself, it’s important to send someone close to you. Any other means is not acceptable. If you send via a helper or driver, seriously, it is a blunder!

Also, if someone’s card is kept at their near one’s place, that’s another reason for hatak. The card should be handed over to the right owner or don’t expect those people at your wedding.

2) The time offend – Tre do bronth kus chu sozan card?

Even if the person knows the wedding is on said date, receiving a card before two days will make the guest’s head to explode out of frustration. Like what is two days? We need two weeks!

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So you’d better take off some time from your hectic schedule to deliver the card on time. After all, they are your honored guests and currently out of empathy.

3) The name offend – Card kemsind nav oos?

One is sure to pick out spelling mistakes both in the name and address printed on the label of the card. Further queries like ‘Why isn’t our family head’s name on the card?”, “Oh, you forgot our caste?” adds oil to the burning fire of malal.

Also, God forbid if you wrote the daughter-in-law’s name instead of her husband or fathers-in-law, it’s another story – both for you and the girl.

Things become worse when such people meet you at the wedding, they stare at your face like you’ve have bought abomination with you. And when they confront you about the name issue, you can’t help but try to lighten the situation with a silly joke making matters even worse.

4. The ‘You didn’t invite me on fala fala ceremony’ offend – asi prusukh hi na!!

Not everyone will be invited to all the ceremonies. Who will make people understand this? Malal chu zaruri. Further, who goes with the mehndi girls, phirsaal, and satim doh determines the closeness of rishta. More reasons to get offended.

This doesn’t end here. When there’s a wedding at your own place, you invite people using the same logic ‘they didn’t invite us, why should we?’ leading to a malal war.

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5) The Mehraaz Saal offend

We all know the significance of a mahraaz saal. The groom is seen as a king and the baraatis as his glorified companions. First, the host needs to take care of this ready-to-get-offended troop. That’s a story for another day.

But the interesting part comes from the bride’s own side. That is even the bride’s relatives want their son-in-law to be a part of the mahraaz saal. No one knows what a disaster might happen if you don’t invite (or let’s say beg) them to attend the ceremony.

6) The ‘where is my Traemi’ offend – teemav sooz na kehn ti

The in-laws of our recently engaged cousins don’t attend the wedding even though a card is sent (again by a very close person). However, 1 or 2 males do attend the wedding. Firstly, it’s important to make them feel extra special. And if the host doesn’t attend to them nicely, then the family whose in-laws they are, feel offended.

Further, as a good host, we send a traemi of wazwaan to such in-laws. However, if you forget that, then don’t worry as nothing much will happen except that they’ll never forget it. NEVER!

7. The new daughter-in-law offend

Almonds are put over the newlywed bride when she attends a marriage of a close relative. If not taken care of, the mother-in-law and the aligned relatives will have piercing eyes, and this time silly jokes won’t even stand a chance as a defense!

Looks like this is the only time the in-laws care for their daughter-in-law. (Just kidding or not!)

8) The food offend

Everyone seeks a little bit of attention as it feels good. Some of us take this to the next level during a wedding. People expect the host to do a nagin dance to insist on them to eat. And if you don’t do so, then the wazwaan seems to be lacking an ingredient which was necessary for their digestion!

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Life is awesome without malal. Try it!

Picture this: You go to a relatives’ house for a meeting after the wedding. Between the cheerful gossip and gup-shup, the relative mentions they were offended (which is rarely the case as you will have to decipher it yourself). He/she stares at your face for a while with gloom and then laughs it away. You can’t sleep the following night. You can’t forget their gloomy face.

It is easy for everyone to pick out mistakes in another person, and it feels good (damn, human nature). It gives us a sense of superiority; it makes us feel more godlike.

However, when we find ourselves in similar situations, our godly stature seems to crumble. Humans are bestowed with sympathy and empathy to understand each other. Trust me, it is very handy. We should use it sometimes and feel its joy, especially during the gigantic Kashmiri weddings.

Have a funny malal story to share? Let us know in the comments below.

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Author: Nandan Singh